I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize