Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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