So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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