I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
