i think my mom watched the whole time
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
