Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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