i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
