So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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