Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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