We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
