I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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