i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
