just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
