I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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