yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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