Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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