We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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