Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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