He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
