White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
