I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if only i could text you this smell
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize