it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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