Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
