A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
