Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
