Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
