new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
