Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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