Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
