he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize