oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
