New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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