i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
