I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
