he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
