I wish I only lived at night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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