We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
