My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
