I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
