so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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