Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think my moral compass just broke
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
