Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
