i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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