I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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