So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
