I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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