she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
