If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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