I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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