I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
