fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
