you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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