so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
