my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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