I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
