Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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