I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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