Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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