I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
