That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
