i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
