Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
